I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.