Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
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It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won