I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...