You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...