are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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