Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
there's paper in my vomit.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...