Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
there's paper in my vomit.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...