You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
