I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.