can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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