hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five