"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
