Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision