I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Your dad touched me again.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday