hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize