So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
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Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
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He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?