I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
