What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
And the cops told us we were all naked.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.