He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
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Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
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Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.