i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now