I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.