her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?