Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.