my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
