It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
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she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
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I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.