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I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
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