Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
