I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".