just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.