This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
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Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
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No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.