today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.