I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
