You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
