I cannot find my penis.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Randomize
