I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
sarcasm needs its own font
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
