I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
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There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
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Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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