The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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