Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
