Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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