Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
