hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
