Texts From Last Night

wtfitsjessika's Favorites Texts:

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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.

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  (603): I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months. http://tfl.nu/isje
  Replies (9) Good night (3622) Bad night (1284)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)

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  (303): My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :) http://tfl.nu/qza7
  Replies (37) Good night (7043) Bad night (727)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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  (480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card. http://tfl.nu/fah6
  Replies (47) Good night (4924) Bad night (831)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.

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  (973): No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world. http://tfl.nu/0x21
  Replies (23) Good night (4998) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.

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  (805): peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees. http://tfl.nu/j4sn
  Replies (11) Good night (2446) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86085) Bad night (8380)
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous

  (269): View more from Michigan

  If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.

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  (269): You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous (269): If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you. http://tfl.nu/8o9h
  Replies (17) Good night (6233) Bad night (619)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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  (734): It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free http://tfl.nu/3j31
  Replies (8) Good night (4306) Bad night (1340) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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  (801): I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine. http://tfl.nu/flen
  Replies (6) Good night (3517) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.

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  (410): I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us. http://tfl.nu/iw4a
  Replies (5) Good night (3058) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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  (630): She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep http://tfl.nu/xep7
  Replies (41) Good night (18007) Bad night (1052) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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  (215): best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load" http://tfl.nu/n15m
  Replies (20) Good night (4930) Bad night (844) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.

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  (502): battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever. http://tfl.nu/blg1
  Replies (4) Good night (3786) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room

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  (850): I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room http://tfl.nu/xiwe
  Replies (15) Good night (1230) Bad night (4027) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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  (330): I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex." http://tfl.nu/3mha
  Replies (25) Good night (6819) Bad night (961) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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  (843): when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home. http://tfl.nu/096s
  Replies (33) Good night (12096) Bad night (1204)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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  (303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd
  Replies (56) Good night (13468) Bad night (1338) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??

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  (248) i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem?? http://tfl.nu/bwq7
  Replies (14) Good night (3370) Bad night (931) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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  (818): Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful. http://tfl.nu/9blw
  Replies (15) Good night (2125) Bad night (4536) Order T-Shirt