Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.