My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
