He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.