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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
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