You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable