When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.