I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon