She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.