Say something about gay babies.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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