It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?